When all is said and done, the most precious gift we can give our children is to support them in being themselves.
We like ourselves more when we’re comfortable to be ourselves. Everyone else likes us better too.
One of the traits of a leader is being authentically themselves. Others intuitively feel that, trust more deeply, and are willing to join with us.
We experience less stress and enjoy better health when we’re being ourselves – not seeking others’ approval and not fearing the loss of connection, because our connection with ourselves is intact, just being ourselves.
When we are being our authentic selves, we’re also more naturally empathic, and this all contributes to a more compassionate society.
How do we support our children to be themselves?
Two things. We give them unconditional love and acceptance. They’re not afraid to be themselves, because there’s nothing they could do that would put our love, acceptance, and connection in jeopardy. This creates something like an invisible umbilical cord between us and them. Their source of support is intact. They have a buffer at school when others say hurtful words on the playground. Our protection of them is in our connection with them. Also, we give them space - to let them be themselves to choose their path whether it be docter, lawyer, or Indian chief.
Often this is where our own internal work comes in and why parenting is such a rich personal growth path.
If we insist they become an Indian chief 
, and they want to become a doctor, we aren’t letting them grow into their own unique selves. It’s like being given a watermelon seed and trying to manicure it into a rosebush. No one is happy.
This idea of tracking with them is scary for us, because we often believe it’s our job to control them for their success and well-being. Is it really for their success and well-being, or is it to meet our own needs for security? If they become what we think is “right,” we can relax. Everything will be okay.
If we dare to let our children march to the beat of their own drummer, the journey begins with connecting with our own hearts. If we connect with our hearts and find fear and needs for safety, with awareness, we have choice, and choice is power. We may need to act on that fear when they’re 2 years old and running into the street. Other times we see that if we can act on our fear it’s to control our kids, to turn them into a rosebush, to satisfy our fear. Then, we can connect more deeply with ourselves under the fear. Really getting clear on what’s important to us so we have choice – to express or to hold it within ourselves. Is it, among other things, to nurture our children to the best of our ability and to allow them the space to choose to be Indian chief or lawyer? After connecting with our own hearts, we can choose to connect with our kids’ hearts. What are they wanting? What a beautiful gift it is for them to be seen and heard by us unconditionally! To know they’re always okay with us, okay to be themselves – that everyone matters. How beautiful to feel the preciousness of our connections.
I teach parents the very practical tools of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) which include powerful empathic listening skills, authentic expression, how to handle reactivity with conflict transformation skills rather than punishment and power struggles, and making requests rather than demands.
Practicing NVC while parenting is a tremendous gift of modeling being yourselves for your kids. What greater gift could we give to our children, to our community and even world community!
Click here and scroll down a bit to listen to an interview of a 12 year old boy, named Yannai, raised in a family practicing NVC.
Click here to read a research study of middle school children, some who studied NVC and others who did not. It showed the profound effects that studying NVC had on the children’s capacity for authenticity and empathy – in other words, being themselves.
Click here to read my post called ”Relationship First,” describing my personal journey with my 3 children, now, 25, 22, and 15 years old. From control to compassion.
I love to contribute to other parents to help them and their children in being themselves. If you’d like that too, please contact me, and together we can walk this sacred path called parenting.